Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
