I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
