Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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