remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
