Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
