Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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