the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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