my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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