her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
