I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
