I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
