I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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