I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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