Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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