Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
