We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
