What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
