Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
