I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
