checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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