You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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