Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
BRING THE BAGELS
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
