When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
