I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
