You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just invented taco cereal.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
