I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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