Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
