Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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