Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
