I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Randomize
