there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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