so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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