One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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