My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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