help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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