Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
