I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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