I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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