If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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