he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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