No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
