He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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