Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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