I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
