I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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