Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I wish there were birth control emojis
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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