just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
