I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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