Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
