Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
